Finding "Me"
Looking at a Barbie Doll most people see a Blonde haired blue eyed snob, with beautiful friends, and content-less thoughts of her convertable, beautiful home, and her wardrobe full of clothes. Enter the steriotype that gets put upon me every day. A friend of mine once told me "Christi, you're just like Barbie. You only hang out with beautiful people". Well these beautiful people are the ones that have stuck by me when life got rough, or when life couldn't get any better. Sure I drive a convertable and my parents own a beautiful home, but I can't take any credit in any of those! Strip me of my blonde hair, stick me in a mini-van dressed in stirrup pants and a pink sweatshirt, and what you'll left with is the girl behind the steriotype....ME!
I can't say that I don't take some credit for my outward appearance or even the way I carry myself. After all I am the one that molded myself to be this way. But growing up I was such a dork. I mean lets talk about this. HUGE upside down glasses as I called them (I'll put pics up later so you can all see what I'm talking about), obnoxious friends..I could keep going but I won't. Although I suppose every child goes through that stage so it was nothing close to traumatizing for me. However, then Middle School started and the "cliques" of my life began. I remember the two groups in my tiny Catholic Grade School...the "Snob Squad" and the "Nerd Herd"...guess which one I was a part of hehe. Going home at night I would pray that just once I would get invited to one of the "Snobs" boy/girl parties or that one of the boys would like ME instead of them. It never happened and I continued on through the rest of my Middle School days wishing I could be someone else. I just wanted to be popular. It was such a distraction in my life at that time and it's kind of ironic the part that it plays as high school rolls on.
As I began my Freshman year of High School I vowed to make a change in my life. I was not going to let my insecurites of Middle School bring me down in High School. And I was able to do so with flying colors. My first week of school, one of the most "wanted" boys of the Sophmore class wanted to date me and Dave soon after became my high school sweetheart for the remaining 3 years of our high school career. I began making friends..lots of friends, although the idea of popularity never once crossed my mind. I was just so thrilled to have people around me that enjoyed my company and thought I was cool and fun to be around.
I wanted to indulge in every minute of this new life that I was experiencing. I joined the Dance Team at school, I went to parties, I threw parties and then as Junior year rolled around, I got nominated to be on Prom Court. ME! The dork from St. Mary's Grade School. But it didn't mean that much to me at the time. The sad girl from my past wanted to jump for joy and yell "they finally love you" but the side that existed said "yeah so what". I had finally matured and realized that the friends I have were not made to "up" my status in school, or to make myself more appealing to others. My friends were my friends b/c they all offered me something..whether they were beautiful or not. The people that I surrounded myself with for four years became such a huge part of my life that it was so hard to let go to it all when I left for college. I never wanted that part of my life to end.
High School was one of the most amazing times of my life. As I think back I am so blessed for the opportunities that I was given. I made some amazing friends..especially my girls (Kiers,Schiller,Erin, and KatieD) and I know that we'll be close for a long time still to come. But I had to move on and it was in doing so that I realized the girl that existed in High School...was nowhere near to the girl I was about to become.
As I entered the University of MN I wanted to keep my high school happiness alive. So...I joined a Sorority. Kappa Kappa Gamma to be exact. Now I'm not knocking the Greek system because it has the potential to be a great situation, but I joined it for all the wrong reasons. I wanted an immediate group of friends. I didn't want to have to deal with the aspect of gaining my friend base back..I just wanted things to be for me like they were in High School...easy. But in Kappa I found anything but a group of friends. I found a group of Blonde haired barbie dolls that were so stuck on themselves that they couldn't even look past their coated mascara to allow anyone into their shallow lives. It was after that, that I vowed to never allow myself to become "that girl". So I dropped the sorority and found a new group of friends that offered me the complete opposite of a barbie world. In fact it was a world where I didn't have to think or act at all. I just let the substances do the reacting. I really liked this world for a while. A world of drugs and alcohol and fun, care free people..what could be better than that. But I woke up and realized that this was not the person I wanted to become and decided to better myself and move away from Minnesota to try and start over and really figure out who I am.
Enter Oshkosh. Hell in itself but I discovered a new part of me here so it did offer me something. I met Jenny (or Yo-Yo to those of you know her) and suddenly everything I thought I knew swirrled around me and blew away in the wind. Who was this girl? And why can't I keep my mind off of her? I hid my emotions quite well until one drunken night dropped my walls and things were never quite the same. After Yo-Yo I fell in love...deep in love and it was amazing! While I was insecure with my new found self at first, with Nat I wanted everyone to know. I would have flipped my world upside-down for that girl..and at times I even did. I gave every part of myself that I could, including risking the amazing relationship that I had with my parents just so they could know how in love I was.
Things were rough for a while between me and my parents. They just didn't understand and I guess I couldn't explain it to them either. All I knew was I was happy, and I wasn't going to quit just because of their dissapointment in me. But everything changed faster than it could get better. I moved to Chicago to pursue my dream in fashion and the love I thought was so strong faded away. I was left broken hearted and confused and I would get so angry at myself for becoming so vulnerable. I wanted to just erase the past and go back to when everyone understood me..to when I understood myself.
But things have since brightened up. I no longer try to label myself as straight or gay or bi...I just like people. What's so wrong with that? My parents have begun to understand things a lot better and are now much more open in discussing my life and life's situations..girl or boy. I am in a place in my life where I can honestly say everything is looking up. Chicago is an amazing city, with no drama, I'm doing well in school and am looking forward to my future in the fashion business, and I'm day by day picking up the pieces of my heart and mending them back together. I'm so thankful that I have my family and friends who have stuck by me. It's been a long journey to ME..but I think I'm getting close to the end :)
All in all there is a lot more to me than just plastic boobs and high heels. Don't judge me by my car or my height, or my parents house. Those things mean nothing to me. It's the experiences that I have just discussed that are important to me and that have molded me into the person that I am today.